‘Does any of this seem massively implausible to you?’
[WARNING: Fairly massive spoilers]
ME: Okay, this is supposed to be really good. Dramatic.
GF: Why are you brushing your teeth? And laying out plates really aggressively?
ME: I think it’s setting the mood, the whole game is like this. A series of tasks involving wobbling the joypad around and stuff. Atmospheric.
GF: I like this. It’s very sedate.
ME: Exactly.
[Five minutes pass]
GF: The main character’s face is kind of freaking me out.
ME: It’s weird, right? There’s this whole thing called the uncanny valley where they think that the more a pretend character looks like a real person the more you…oh god my son’s disappeared!
GF: Ooh, the crowds are freaking me out. I like this effect though.
ME: If I was in Assassin’s Creed I’d just stab my way through here. It’s rubbish being normal.
[later]
GF: What the fuck, is this Minority Report now?
ME: No, this is how the cop character works, he’s got the same sort of swooshy headset, except it’s for CSI stuff.
GF: Look, the footprints go up there. Climb that muddy slope!
ME: I’m trying. It’s…slippery.
GF: You are awful at this.
ME: I’m better at climbing muddy slopes than this in real life. Games aren’t supposed to make you worse at things than you are in real life, that’s just wrong.
GF: Hahahahah!
[Later]
GF: Who are you playing as now?
ME: The lady character. She’s got short hair, she’s very feisty. Empowering!
GF: Why is she being attacked by men in balaclavas?
ME: For…dramatic tension? I honestly have no idea. Oh look, it was a dream. I suppose that makes sense.
GF: This is French, right?
[later]
ME: Look, now I’m a chubby, loveable PI! I’m investigating the crime! I’m talking to a prostitute! She seems sad. This is making me really sad.
GF: Who’s this guy?
ME: I don’t know, a pimp I guess…ooh, a fight scene!
GF: Wreck that fucker.
ME: Look, I’m smashing his head into a desk! This is brilliant!
GF: High-five!
[We high-five]
[Later]
GF: Doesn’t it seem really obvious that this guy’s going to be the bad guy? I mean, there aren’t many characters, and he’s going around [redacted], [redacted].
ME: They’d never make it that obvious, though.
GF: I guess not.
[Later]
ME: I’m tired.
GF: Play a bit more.
ME: This is quite mentally draining, you know. I’m sure you’re enjoying just sitting there and…
GF: Play. A Bit. More.
ME: Look, I’m crawling through a tunnel full of broken glass on my hands and knees. I just found a dead guy. I hope you’re happy.
GF: I’m very happy.
[Later]
GF: Oh of course. The villain is making the empowered heroine take her top off. Of course he is.
ME: To be fair, the main character just chopped his own fucking finger off. I know which I’d rather do.
GF: You love taking your top off, though. I’m surprised that you’re wearing a top now.
ME: I don’t suppose…
GF: No.
[Later]
GF: What’s happening now?
ME: I got the cop killed, so apparently that’s a thing. And I…don’t get to see any more of his story? I feel quite bad about that. And now…I’m not sure. The dad’s gone to visit the lady. I’d have thought he’d have better things to do.
GF: Oh look, a sex scene.
ME: David Cage loves these, I think there’s one in every game he ever makes. This was probably inevitable.
GF: You’re not doing very well.
ME: You’re distracting me.
GF: How come you could steer that car the wrong way up the freeway with no problem at all, but you can’t unhook a bra properly?
ME: The sex is harder than it looks.
GF: No comment.
[Much later]
ME: Okay, look, the house is on fire. Jump out of the window or go through the fire? The fire looks really hot, but she says the window’s too high! Quick!
GF: Jump out of the window!
ME: But she just said…
GF: Out of the window!
ME: …she’s dead.
GF: Why did you listen to me? You’ve got more experience in these things than I have.
ME: …
[later]
ME: Look, I found the killer. Kill him, or don’t kill him? Oh man, in films I’m always shouting at the main character to kill the bad guy when he’s pointing a gun at him. It seems like I should kill him.
GF: I definitely think you should kill him.
ME: …I’m not going to kill him. It seems like the game probably doesn’t want me t…oh no! Now I’m dead! How the fuck did that happen?
GF: Well, on the plus side, now the killer’s dead as well. So you killed, hang on a minute, everyone.
ME: Except for the kid.
GF: Except for the kid. So it could have been worse. You know what, this game was so good that I might actually play it myself and try to get a better ending than your rubbish one.
ME: You do that.
[Ed’s note: she did not]
10/10
Girlfriend Game Reviews 